Yesterday I became acutely aware that the unpinning of my soul began at a very early age, and I am left with the feeling that some parts my never be reconciled.    I know that I am not a victim, I understand I am a victor and I am here to allow God to shine through me. However, when I am doing that which I enjoy rather that which I think I “should” be doing, the gentle nudging in my head becomes louder and more vile. At first it reminds me of what I should do because I have a window of time with lists, as I ignore it like a defiant child, it begins to point to all my inequities. When I attempt to counter with this that I have all ready completed, it seems to almost smirk as if to remind me that “it’s ” not enough. What I understand from this is, I am not enough. What I do needs to have value for someone else. I should be making money, cleaning or doing something for my children or the world…certainly not just sitting contemplating and drawing.                          By the end of the day I feel like shit if I haven’t worked 12 hours cleaned etc.  I now realize I have been verbally abused by my own mind.          The mind map that was made many years ago. I am left to wonder if some things that happen to us as children ( not blaming parents, because they had there own crazy shit to overcome) we may not overcome. Perhaps, uf we work a life time continuously being mindful, but no even then we slip and fall back into the abyss of some chemical grove we decided was truth as a child.                        The more I see in myself and others, the more I realize what amazing lengths our mind has us going too to avert what it decided might be the result if we continue on that path, so many years ago, when the brain was still in a  precognitive state.       We really are all so much more similar than we are different. One

I used to believe that people with money must not have problems, after all what could they possibly lack? As a child, I remember secretly wishing to be born into a rich family. I believed that if I had I would be happy and my mother and father would also be idealicly happy, because after all what could they lack? Sure I always herd money can’t buy happiness and of course not, however I thought it can sure as fuck help distract you. You can eat well, travel, buy all sorts of thingies and do dads to help clutter your outter world with beautiful colors. I thought it would be much better to have money and no love than to not have money and no love. I grew up in lack. Lack of respect. Lack of gentleness. Lack of food. Lack of home. There was some love…but many times it misrepresented itself.                                As an adult (i use the term loosely since i have sooo much growing up to do) i realize these lacks can and do also exist in the homes I wish I had been born into. As an adult I see what I really craved was love, someone to play with me spend time with me, tell me how awesome I am…just because I am.

This morning I became acutely aware that although we think we are doing a great job at hiding our fears from the world, as time passes (my dentist used this term instead of saying as we get older, and I loved it because it fits well in my new paradigm of life) our fears become easily discoverable to an astute inquisitive mind.                                We are all so much more similar than we taught to believe. Of course we have our own uniqueness  (enter that french word I can’t spell that means, that certain something that makes it different from everthing else).  However, we are flesh, bones and blood. We need touch as babies or we can’t learn to speak, or be social. We crave and need to be loved.          What would the world be like if we all loved more, without fear of rejection. Without fear of being called weird or some other mean word.         I soppose we would be mother Teresa’s, or we would need a whole lot of weed.        Peace word press fam.


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