Yesterday I became acutely aware that the unpinning of my soul began at a very early age, and I am left with the feeling that some parts my never be reconciled.    I know that I am not a victim, I understand I am a victor and I am here to allow God to shine through me. However, when I am doing that which I enjoy rather that which I think I “should” be doing, the gentle nudging in my head becomes louder and more vile. At first it reminds me of what I should do because I have a window of time with lists, as I ignore it like a defiant child, it begins to point to all my inequities. When I attempt to counter with this that I have all ready completed, it seems to almost smirk as if to remind me that “it’s ” not enough. What I understand from this is, I am not enough. What I do needs to have value for someone else. I should be making money, cleaning or doing something for my children or the world…certainly not just sitting contemplating and drawing.                          By the end of the day I feel like shit if I haven’t worked 12 hours cleaned etc.  I now realize I have been verbally abused by my own mind.          The mind map that was made many years ago. I am left to wonder if some things that happen to us as children ( not blaming parents, because they had there own crazy shit to overcome) we may not overcome. Perhaps, uf we work a life time continuously being mindful, but no even then we slip and fall back into the abyss of some chemical grove we decided was truth as a child.                        The more I see in myself and others, the more I realize what amazing lengths our mind has us going too to avert what it decided might be the result if we continue on that path, so many years ago, when the brain was still in a  precognitive state.       We really are all so much more similar than we are different. One


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