It’s been over a year since my mother had a terrible terrible siezure. It was truly horrific. She was so strong. She was trying so hard to stay. I love her so much. I know she was doing it for me. I know she knows I will die inside without her. She tells me i am strong, but she knows I can’t live without her words. She knows what a baby I am. She knows she is my pillar. So she holds on, I see it. I can not even ask God to keep her here because I see her pain. I don’t want her to be in pain just because I am a baby, that is too selfish. I love my mama so much. I ask my self what the fuck happened. How did this happen. I was supposed to have her back. How did I hand her over. How did I get so lost. Why did I say, anything besides let’s go home. Dear God I know you don’t want me to linger on it. But I need your help to feel your grace on my soul because it almost killed me that I said, well you’re already here. We were going home God. Was that your will? Or was it my will that made it so bad. Because dear lord, if that was me I don’t want or deserve free will. Lead me, guide me clearly with your will please. I am so unbelievable remorseful to have been a party to that decision. She said I will do it for you to my brother and I. Please forgive me. I am so sorry. I love you so much my mama.

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